Hard Day

In all actuality it hasn't been a complete hard day. Just a hard few hours I should say. I feel lonely, repulsive. I feel a lot of things and they all make me feel dumb. I just started to feel like all of this, all of the things I feel are my fault, when actually, I can choose not to feel them. It is so very hard though. So very hard to wipe clean years of my life, to stop, just stop feeling this way and just get happy. I WANT, no NEED to feel better. I want to, I truly, deeply hope and hold onto the possibility that it might get better. It will get better. It's just so hard to see right now, visualizing everything, anything is big for me. I feel. I just feel too much. 

I stumbled across this, and it might sound unusual, but it gave me some hope. That some people know, some people are different. That its okay. Okay to feel. 

"This is how you lose her. 
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.
You must remember when she forgets. 
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget. 
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the  beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.
You must learn her. 
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her."
  
This is all just feelings, all things I just need to get out. I just want to let it go.

My Art

So this is what I do, I know its not much, and probably not the best quality of photos, but I wanted to share this with you all. My family, friends and followers. This is pages from my journal, pieces of my heart and life. I apologize that its a rather long post, but please take the time to look, and I hope that something, anything speaks to you. I love and will pray for you all daily. May you be blessed today. 
 

Fundraising

Fundraising, money in general  is such a touchy subject. Alas, it is the subject of this post. It breaks my heart that money is such a necessity, but it is. To participate in The World Race I need to raise $15,500. I know what you're thinking, because I'm still reeling, its a big number. I have 7 months and that is more then enough time for God to move! 

As fundraising I will be taking painting commissions and tattoo commissions as a small part of the process. 

This is a tattoo commission I got a few years ago, and an example of my tattoo art. I can do pretty much any style. I am working on two commissions now that the proceeds will go to The World Race. 

This is a painting I did, its on a huge canvas and I think its absolutely beautiful! I think everyone that reads this should commission a painting from me and then tell all their friends about it! 
  
So what I'm getting at is not only will you get the wonderful pleasure of helping me get to go on The World Race, but you'll also get to have a beautiful original piece of artwork for your very own! To remind you to pray for my team and trip as well! 

Please consider helping support me in this great journey we will get to go on together! Be blessed!!! :) 

My Heart Beats

My heart beats abnormally fast. On average it beats 110-120 per minute at rest. Oh but it beats for the for the nations. I fall more in love every day with people I've never met and places I've never been.

When I was thirteen or fourteen a man came to our church and spoke about his work against human trafficking in India. Ever since my heart has ached and longed to help the helpless and love the ones who have known no love.

In 2009 I went with a group from my school to Africa for a month. I left pieces of my heart with everyone I met. Every child I held broke and mended my heart all at once.

We worked mainly in hospitals and orphanages. I got to become a better version of myself, a much more loving and compassionate person. Although it was heart breaking to leave all of my babies and old ladies in Africa when I came home, it was an experience that changed me forever. 

Somewhere along the line though, in the years between then and now, I lost sight of that person I so loved being. The opportunity to do The World Race has been making my heart beat that familiar beat it use to. My heart is melting from the hard and cold stone it became. I am so excited for you all to participate in my growth and process in these next few months, and year. To have brothers and sisters come along side me to encourage and pray God's will be done in my life. I thank you all already, however few or many of you there may be. My love goes out to each and everyone of you. Thank you.

The World Race

I'm not good at this; this articulating sentences or expressing what I want said. I'm not good at this anymore... There's a lot of things I'm not good at anymore, so bear with me. 

I made a life decision on a whim this past week. I am postponing school for a couple years and going on a radically fantastic journey called The World Race. Just a little back story on what that is: I will be going to eleven different countries in eleven months. The route I am applying for Leaves in January, these are the countries we will be traveling to: 

South Africa

Mozambique

Swaziland

India

Nepal

Malaysia

Vietnam

Cambodia

Ireland

Ukraine

Romania 

I am ecstatic about this opportunity that God has placed in my path for the second time. I am so grateful to get that second chance that life doesn't always extend to us. I can't wait to begin this journey into these new, unknown worlds, and cultures. I am also so glad that all of you will be joining me on this adventure! 

I will be using this blog to fund raise for my trip. I'm going to try and sell paintings and other art work; taking commission and other things of the sort. So if you're interested in helping me make this dream an actuality, prayers and donations are much needed! I will begin posting now to make it a habit and also keep you all updated on the preparations and prayer requests! Feel free to ask questions and give advice! I really appreciate any help I can get!

May you're days be blessed and filled with joy! Keep a weathered eye on the horizon, and on my blog because there will always be something new!